When I’m doing academic work around Asians, I feel completely and totally locked-in. I imagine that people at USC or Berkeley are feeling locked-in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because of how many Asians are at those schools. I’m at a boba bar in Baltimore right now — that phrase, a boba bar. What the fuck? I’m writing an essay about bidimensional dispositionalism with regard to sexual behaviorism. In philosophy, we say if and only iff. In my American Studies class that’s primarily about immigrant food businesses, my professor invites in the scion and heir to a Korean food business and consummate fortune, who I can’t help but to feel attracted to. That’s because I’m an American woman, and I’m attracted to capital. Even worse, I’m a Black American woman and I’m hungry to create long-lasting financial structures for my friends and my family. And my future kids, or whatever. He’s definitely wearing raw-hemmed Japanese denim and the way his polo sits on his waist line, I notice. It’s little things, money. He brings his high school-age daughter with him to talk to us about economics, and his conversation is wonderfully stimulating and informative. I love to talk about money, I love to talk about how people make it, I like to make people know I’m listening by the quality of question that I ask. Listening to Boards of Canada, the song, “The Color of Fire”, the vocals say I…love…you! Distorted against the conversation of a group of Koreans — I can tell they’re Korean, I have The Eye — talking about, you guessed it, finances. Back in the boba bar. This narrative doesn’t really take place in-time, I’m cheating. Some guy on Twitter says you can’t feel the presence of Asians on the East Coast. That’s laughable. Achievement, ambition, and the concretized uppitiness of a large social group can certainly be felt. Especially by the people who rank beneath them on America’s racial totem pole of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’. The reason the concept of the model minority exists is because of Black people; we’re the opposite, we’re the model that the hustlers are viewed against abstractly. I’m so racist — I’ve made the people in my life more racist, I believe in my people in a way that defies our actual realities, and I’m jealous of Asians because of how America allows them to be. What America seems to want them to be. Are we articulating perfection now, or what? I feel really greedy. Outside of the show, there’s this Asian girl crying on the ground, they won’t let her in to the show. She seems super fucked-up. She can’t stop crying and it doesn’t seem like she bought any friends with her. I sit next to her on the ground and feed her grapes from my purse. I always have fruit in my purse because I’m mentally fucked-up and I love women. I love being jealous of all other women. People think I’m being sarcastic when I say stuff like this but I’m fine with what the experience of being a Western woman is like, I welcome it. I’m jealous of this fucked-up Asian girl for no reason even though she’s eating fruit from my hand so close that I can feel her teeth scape it, like a little horse. We laugh, looking at each other. What do you have that I don’t have? What do I have that you don’t want? Are women ever really together? With a man, I can put him in me. That’s the main distinction that I have. There’s that understand that we can make a person together with all men, random men on the street. Do Asian men think about Black women the way that white men think about Black women? My twin says, “Well, what do white men actually think about Black women?” I can tell you what Black people think about Asian people. It’s always about gender at the root of the issue until the root of the issue is race; now, the root of the issue is class. I know that my people have our noses up at everyone who can make capital here in places we aren’t welcomed. We have a tech sector in this nation because we have Asians, and we want them at our state institutions because when they’re American they can afford to pay full tuition and when they’re immigrants they pay more as foreigners receiving American educations. Soon enough, the University of Maryland will be Chinese girls from Bethesda and Chinese girls from China. I’m fucked up because I want there to be Black women in academia after I leave? Do I plan on ever leaving? 😉 Hopkins is worse — whatever the qualifier ‘worse’ means, because it’s poor Black people in all the surrounding areas of the university and Asians wearing California-university-name hoodies making use of the Institution itself all around Waverly. I’m a femcel poet, I’m a exclusionary woke Black conservative, I write from a place of bitterness and love. I hate everything, I love so many things, I know that sharing is a farce invented by the State after the enclosures, I know where I belong. Where people are smart. I don’t think the only smart Americans are Asians. There is no easy way to cross this gap without throwing myself into it.